I was pottering around the garden and my spade hit something solid. Another stone? No. It was two platinum-iridium plates, with markings I could not make out. But it was sunny, so I put on my polarizing Raybans. Suddenly, scales fell from my eyes, and I could read the Old Irish, written in Ogham runes. The plates commanded me to convey this message unto you. (I did take pics of the plates to prove all this, but my phone fell in the fishpond. Then a funnel cloud sucked them up. Backing up my wheelchair, I ran over my magic Raybans. But I remember every word, as dictated by the Angel Anti-Moron.) The plates begin, for reasons not given unto me, at number XI.
XI. Thou shalt have no gods that were merely elected.
XII. Thou shalt not make unto thee any face mask of one layer, nor of mixed raiment, nor having a breathing valve. Thou shalt always wear a mask when amongst the people. So commands the LORD.
XIII. Thou shalt not take in vain the name of any actual epidemiologist who has an actual PhD, neither shalt thou mob them on Twitter nor dox them.
XIV. Remember that every day is precious and keep it holy. Thou shalt not waste thy time. Nor mine.
XV. Honour thy friends and thy medics, that thy days among men shall be long and healthy.
XVI. Thou shalt not infect others, not even thy teachers, parents, parishioners, nor grandparents.
XVII. Thou shalt not hook up with random people, not even when there is nothing on Netflix.
XVIII. Thou shalt pay just taxes and enter into fair agreements with thy debtors. All thine income shalt thou declare. Thou shalt not profiteer, for the LORD also knows how to calculate compound interest, and thy debt shall never be repaid.
XIX. Thou shalt not forward false news, nor free-ride on the kindness of thy neighbour. So commands the LORD thy God.
XX. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s work-from-home job, nor his balcony, nor his garden, nor his social bubble. As much as thou canst spare, shalt thou share. And then, in union, you shall vote the morons out.
THIS IS THE WORD OF THE LORD, AS COMMUNICATED BY THE MESSENGER ANTI-MORON.
The tablets ended here. As far as I recall.